When I try to fix things on my own I often become overwhelmed and sacrifice my joy...
When i surrender my challenges to God, He often makes them feel like this...
Today I seek Gods Joy by asking Him to guide my steps and trust Him fully!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Insurmountable Fears
In my life there are daily challenges that to me look like this...
When i surrender my challenges to God, He often makes them feel like this...
When i surrender my challenges to God, He often makes them feel like this...
Friday, October 12, 2012
Priorities?
If you read this you know I was not or ever will be an english major. My sentence structure and attention to Caps is dreadful. Sometimes my thought flow is all over the place. I really just write for me and hope that if you are reading this, it is because you want to know the thoughts running through my mind and me as a person.
Okay so anyways, I am exhausted today; being awake half the night with a fussy 2 month old will do that to a person. In an effort to be human i've consumed approximately 5 cups of coffee. It is only keeping me awake by requiring multiple trips to the restroom. So I have tried entertaining the older kids with television... please don't judge me... anyways it hasn't worked. So rather than be hopping in and out of my comfy chair to intervene i've decided it's a good day to be in the kitchen. Currently there are Chipotle seasoned pork chops in the crock pot, a new recipe for acorn squash being undertaken and trying to decide on a vegetable to go with our dinner. I've prepped my fruit for yummy snacks for the next few days; apple, pear, peach and nectarine all sliced, mixed and divided into 1 cup serving size containers for quick yummy snacks. All that would make this perfect would be a lovely autumn soup but i'm not very good at making soups. Don't applaud me for being super mom, my kids have suffered while I cooked. Poor Caleb cried, Elijah and Sam fought. I did make sure there basic biological needs were met before setting Caleb in his seat and giving the boys a movie. They are all good now. Caleb calmed down and then fell asleep and the boys are FINALLY playing nicely in their room.
The rain outside brings me comfort but it adds to the sleepiness. I'm trying to decide if I have the energy to do anything else. Loving my children is easy but directing my energy to meeting their growing emotional needs is challenging. I am at a point where I have to make an active effort to hug them and tell them I love them everyday because life can get too busy with things that aren't important that i will forget to SHOW them LOVE.
One thing I have challenged myself with recently is to be authentic with myself. I know that sounds easy and stupid, but I am a people pleaser and sometimes forget what I should be doing and who I should be pleasing. If I am able to be authentic with myself, my relationships with the people most important to me will be more real. So I have a question for myself to ponder today...
Who am I? Really?
Mother, Wife, Artist?
what about career aspirations? I never did have any career goals.
Should I?
Is it okay if I don't?
Where do I see myself with God in all of this? I'm not struggling spiritually in case you were wondering. My faith is just as strong as it was 11 1/2 years ago, if not stronger. In fact I don't consider myself to be going through any sort of struggle right now in life. It may sound like it but I'm just asking myself some questions to find better quality of life. The only person we can actually control is ourself.
So today, a new day, I am deep in thought.
Okay so anyways, I am exhausted today; being awake half the night with a fussy 2 month old will do that to a person. In an effort to be human i've consumed approximately 5 cups of coffee. It is only keeping me awake by requiring multiple trips to the restroom. So I have tried entertaining the older kids with television... please don't judge me... anyways it hasn't worked. So rather than be hopping in and out of my comfy chair to intervene i've decided it's a good day to be in the kitchen. Currently there are Chipotle seasoned pork chops in the crock pot, a new recipe for acorn squash being undertaken and trying to decide on a vegetable to go with our dinner. I've prepped my fruit for yummy snacks for the next few days; apple, pear, peach and nectarine all sliced, mixed and divided into 1 cup serving size containers for quick yummy snacks. All that would make this perfect would be a lovely autumn soup but i'm not very good at making soups. Don't applaud me for being super mom, my kids have suffered while I cooked. Poor Caleb cried, Elijah and Sam fought. I did make sure there basic biological needs were met before setting Caleb in his seat and giving the boys a movie. They are all good now. Caleb calmed down and then fell asleep and the boys are FINALLY playing nicely in their room.
The rain outside brings me comfort but it adds to the sleepiness. I'm trying to decide if I have the energy to do anything else. Loving my children is easy but directing my energy to meeting their growing emotional needs is challenging. I am at a point where I have to make an active effort to hug them and tell them I love them everyday because life can get too busy with things that aren't important that i will forget to SHOW them LOVE.
One thing I have challenged myself with recently is to be authentic with myself. I know that sounds easy and stupid, but I am a people pleaser and sometimes forget what I should be doing and who I should be pleasing. If I am able to be authentic with myself, my relationships with the people most important to me will be more real. So I have a question for myself to ponder today...
Who am I? Really?
Mother, Wife, Artist?
what about career aspirations? I never did have any career goals.
Should I?
Is it okay if I don't?
Where do I see myself with God in all of this? I'm not struggling spiritually in case you were wondering. My faith is just as strong as it was 11 1/2 years ago, if not stronger. In fact I don't consider myself to be going through any sort of struggle right now in life. It may sound like it but I'm just asking myself some questions to find better quality of life. The only person we can actually control is ourself.
So today, a new day, I am deep in thought.
Monday, August 13, 2012
A Birth plan
I had determined when I found out I was pregnant with my third child that I wanted to have him naturally with no induction and specifically no epidural. My pregnancy was rough to say the least. As we approached the 9th month I was mentally prepared to have my baby 2 weeks early like my first two children. I did not prepare myself to approach my due date. So when 38 weeks came and went and 39 weeks disappeared I became depressed and angry. I was not prepared at all to be pregnant at 40 weeks! I had lost my resolve and quickly asked to schedule an induction. My due date was August 10th and on August 8th I scheduled my induction for August 10th. My depression lifted slightly since I knew I would not have to be pregnant any longer and that I would be holding my little boy in just days! However, as God would have it I would not be going to the hospital on the 10th. I woke up on the morning of the 9th and knew something had changed. I still planned that I would be going to the hospital the next morning so I didn't pay much attention to what was happening. I sent my husband off to work and began doing my daily housework and finished paying the bills. at 4pm I could tell something was different.
With my first two pregnancies my water broke Hollywood style with the big gush and everything. I was prepared for that to happen with my third, but it never happened. What did happen was more of an embarrassing trickle effect. So as 4pm rolled around I'd had almost 3 hours of regular trickle. I thought "I haven't drank enough water today for that much to be escaping". I called my husband and asked if i should call my doctor. I did not want to embarrass myself especially since i was going to the hospital the next morning anyway. He told me to call her "better safe than sorry" he said. So I went in and sure enough my doctor confirmed my water had broken!
I was excited because I thought for sure I would be able to have my baby naturally! So we headed to the hospital.
With my water broken the doctor checked to see how I was progressing. Baby was up really high and it posed a risk of the umbilical cord getting in the way. All I heard was emergency cesarean. So we added a small dose of pitocin to get my already painful contractions going more.
If you've never experienced back labor you have been saved by the grace of God! One hour into my laboring I was approached with a difficult decision. The anesthesiologist would be assisting a surgery and would be unavailable so if i wanted an epidural it was now or never. WHAT! That was the last card I held for having a "natural" delivery and it was taken away from me. I couldn't make the decision so I left it up to God. I had a severe contraction and made the decision. If i was dilated to 7 I'd go ahead and forge on without the epidural but if I was less than 7 I'd get the epidural. I pleaded with God and then let my doctor check my progress. I was dilated to 4cm.
I mourned for a minute and then another contraction hit and I said okay get the anesthesiologist up here now.
With my epidural in place I anticipated complete relief like with my first child. But relief did not come. Instead my labor went into fast forward. The pain was dulled by the drugs but not removed. I progressed from 4cm to actually giving birth in 3 hours! I felt every stretch and push of Caleb on my body. I could feel him forging his way into the world.
He came from up high so fast his head came out perfectly round. If you seen a newborn most of them have a cone head to some degree. Some more than others. Caleb had no cone at all. My water was confirmed broken at 4:30pm and he was born at 10:03pm.
He is a wonderful baby. For all the difficulties of pregnancy and the loss of a "birth plan" I have a beautiful baby that was born on the day God wanted him to be born.
I am blessed beyond belief to have been given such a beautiful loving family. No matter the plans I make I submit them to God because He may have something better in store for me. If I hadn't done the pitocin I may have ended up with a cesarean. If I hadn't gotten the epidural I may have been blinded by the pain and missed the beauty of knowing and seeing in my minds eye Caleb's progress into the world. God designed all of it to happen just the way it did and it was beautiful!
With my first two pregnancies my water broke Hollywood style with the big gush and everything. I was prepared for that to happen with my third, but it never happened. What did happen was more of an embarrassing trickle effect. So as 4pm rolled around I'd had almost 3 hours of regular trickle. I thought "I haven't drank enough water today for that much to be escaping". I called my husband and asked if i should call my doctor. I did not want to embarrass myself especially since i was going to the hospital the next morning anyway. He told me to call her "better safe than sorry" he said. So I went in and sure enough my doctor confirmed my water had broken!
I was excited because I thought for sure I would be able to have my baby naturally! So we headed to the hospital.
With my water broken the doctor checked to see how I was progressing. Baby was up really high and it posed a risk of the umbilical cord getting in the way. All I heard was emergency cesarean. So we added a small dose of pitocin to get my already painful contractions going more.
If you've never experienced back labor you have been saved by the grace of God! One hour into my laboring I was approached with a difficult decision. The anesthesiologist would be assisting a surgery and would be unavailable so if i wanted an epidural it was now or never. WHAT! That was the last card I held for having a "natural" delivery and it was taken away from me. I couldn't make the decision so I left it up to God. I had a severe contraction and made the decision. If i was dilated to 7 I'd go ahead and forge on without the epidural but if I was less than 7 I'd get the epidural. I pleaded with God and then let my doctor check my progress. I was dilated to 4cm.
I mourned for a minute and then another contraction hit and I said okay get the anesthesiologist up here now.
With my epidural in place I anticipated complete relief like with my first child. But relief did not come. Instead my labor went into fast forward. The pain was dulled by the drugs but not removed. I progressed from 4cm to actually giving birth in 3 hours! I felt every stretch and push of Caleb on my body. I could feel him forging his way into the world.
He came from up high so fast his head came out perfectly round. If you seen a newborn most of them have a cone head to some degree. Some more than others. Caleb had no cone at all. My water was confirmed broken at 4:30pm and he was born at 10:03pm.
He is a wonderful baby. For all the difficulties of pregnancy and the loss of a "birth plan" I have a beautiful baby that was born on the day God wanted him to be born.
I am blessed beyond belief to have been given such a beautiful loving family. No matter the plans I make I submit them to God because He may have something better in store for me. If I hadn't done the pitocin I may have ended up with a cesarean. If I hadn't gotten the epidural I may have been blinded by the pain and missed the beauty of knowing and seeing in my minds eye Caleb's progress into the world. God designed all of it to happen just the way it did and it was beautiful!
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The boy who knew better
Today is one of those days where i agree completely with Calebs decision to not be born. He is staying in my womb forever. If i had the choice to come out and join the ranks of his older brothers today is the day I would say... no thanks. For some reason the poo seems to be circulating around the fan today and quite often the two are colliding. I am thankful to God today that Caleb has indeed chosen a longer stay in my belly. If I had the older kids and the baby today I would be screaming from the top of facebook for help from a babysitter and would pay any price to obtain such help.
I am struggling to focus on positive things in my life right now. I so desperately want to blame someone else for the struggles i am facing but I know that is just not the case. So lets' make a list of things that need to be done, things that can wait and things that are good!
Things that need to be done: These can wait: Good stuff:
Clean the carpet in the boys closet dishes/ laundry Rewards rebate $
(smells terrible) from Fred Meyer
Pray watch t.v. A God Loving Hubby
Hug and kiss my kids
I am convinced my attitude will change for the better if i give it a chance. God give me the strength to surrender to you today!
I am struggling to focus on positive things in my life right now. I so desperately want to blame someone else for the struggles i am facing but I know that is just not the case. So lets' make a list of things that need to be done, things that can wait and things that are good!
Things that need to be done: These can wait: Good stuff:
Clean the carpet in the boys closet dishes/ laundry Rewards rebate $
(smells terrible) from Fred Meyer
Pray watch t.v. A God Loving Hubby
Hug and kiss my kids
I am convinced my attitude will change for the better if i give it a chance. God give me the strength to surrender to you today!
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