Priorities?

If you read this you know I was not or ever will be an english major. My sentence structure and attention to Caps is dreadful. Sometimes my thought flow is all over the place. I really just write for me and hope that if you are reading this, it is because you want to know the thoughts running through my mind and me as a person.

Okay so anyways, I am exhausted today; being awake half the night with a fussy 2 month old will do that to a person. In an effort to be human i've consumed approximately 5 cups of coffee. It is only keeping me awake by requiring multiple trips to the restroom. So I have tried entertaining the older kids with television... please don't judge me... anyways it hasn't worked. So rather than be hopping in and out of my comfy chair to intervene i've decided it's a good day to be in the kitchen. Currently there are Chipotle seasoned pork chops in the crock pot, a new recipe for acorn squash being undertaken and trying to decide on a vegetable to go with our dinner. I've prepped my fruit for yummy snacks for the next few days; apple, pear, peach and nectarine all sliced, mixed and divided into 1 cup serving size containers for quick yummy snacks. All that would make this perfect would be a lovely autumn soup but i'm not very good at making soups. Don't applaud me for being super mom, my kids have suffered while I cooked. Poor Caleb cried, Elijah and Sam fought. I did make sure there basic biological needs were met before setting Caleb in his seat and giving the boys a movie. They are all good now. Caleb calmed down and then fell asleep and the boys are FINALLY playing nicely in their room.

The rain outside brings me comfort but it adds to the sleepiness. I'm trying to decide if I have the energy to do anything else. Loving my children is easy but directing my energy to meeting their growing emotional needs is challenging. I am at a point where I have to make an active effort to hug them and tell them I love them everyday because life can get too busy with things that aren't important that i will forget to SHOW them LOVE.

One thing I have challenged myself with recently is to be authentic with myself. I know that sounds easy and stupid, but I am a people pleaser and sometimes forget what I should be doing and who I should be pleasing. If I am able to be authentic with myself, my relationships with the people most important to me will be more real. So I have a question for myself to ponder today...
Who am I? Really?
Mother, Wife, Artist?
what about career aspirations? I never did have any career goals.
Should I?
Is it okay if I don't?

Where do I see myself with God in all of this? I'm not struggling spiritually in case you were wondering. My faith is just as strong as it was 11 1/2 years ago, if not stronger. In fact I don't consider myself to be going through any sort of struggle right now in life. It may sound like it but I'm just asking myself some questions to find better quality of life. The only person we can actually control is ourself.

So today, a new day, I am deep in thought.